The silver swan, who living had no note,
When death approached, unlocked her silent throat;
Leaning her breast against the reedy shore,
Thus sung her first and last, and sung no more:
"Farewell, all joys; Oh death, come close mine eyes;
More geese than swans now lives, more fools than wise.”
The sun is dripping from north to south.
It’s covered by the trees as people crowd my view.
The music bounces them around my thoughts,
trying them as pieces of my puzzle and they do not fit.
I chuckle to myself about outfits and colors.
I awkwardly joke with a boy.
We stare at each other.
It’s Tuesday and I’m working.
It’s Tuesday and it’s not special.
The sun leaves the day behind as I continue
to find what I should search for tonight.
It is not a special day.
I think back to that ball,
its drop from the ceiling of the sky to the bowels of the bottom of my lids
It is no mystery.
It will return.
But, for now, I will stare at the moon and ponder the night.
I’m sorry they made you sad.
I’m sorry you make you sad.
I’m sorry that you’re sorry.
I’m sorry that you have regret.
That you feel pain.
That you live every day feeling dumb and impervious to happiness.
I’m sorry that you live with a chip on your shoulder that holds down your back and makes your whole body ache with the pain of this place in your head.
I’m sorry that you sigh at the way your thighs rub up against each other as you walk, while at the same time feeling less of a woman when you fit into things bought for you when you were eleven.
I’m sorry that you’re confused about what to be when you grow up, which is only made worse by the fact you are grown.
Nothing is going to change unless you want it to and I’m sorry that you know that to be true.
You know that change comes from within and there isn’t going to be an instant fix for whatever it is you need to do.
I’m sorry that you don’t know who you are and how you got here.
You’re never going to understand but you need to know that it is going to be okay.
I’m not sorry that at least you feel that now.
A common response when considering ending it all is: change.
But maybe you just need to know that you need to be yourself, whatever that is. If you don’t know, try harder, seek further, and nurture yourself.
Be the best you that you can be. If aspirations are even slight, just follow them and see where you are led and if nothing is at the end, then start again and again and again.
As Sylvia said,
I am I am I am,
And you will be, no matter what.
I’m sorry that you hate that and all I can do is apologize.
There’s no full thought here because who you are is a combination of unfinished things.
So go be and do and feel and let me know how it goes.